War Of Hearts
by ZenHeyerdall
Summary: They hate and love each other, neither of them during the nights, says something about the subject but they both know what is behind those moments.


**Disclaimer: I don't own BSD.**

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 _Come to me in the night hours_

 _I will wait for you_

All they have are the nights.

They are the only moments of the days when there is no need to pretend, in which there are no fights between them, in which no matter who they are or what they do or will do in their work, where there is no one who can judge them.

Dazai and Chuuya keep many secrets, to all the world, to their subordinates and friends, even between them but the secret that unites them both is perhaps the greatest of all. None could say exactly what would happen if it came to light but they say to each other in silence and with looks that it's better not to let them know, it isn't that they are ashamed of it but they enjoy so little privacy in their lives that neither of them wants to share that with anyone else.

Neither of them remembers at what point everything started, if it was when they met as children and simply, when they grew it became more mature or i at some point on that long and tortuous road began. Sometimes when Dazai asks the other, between kisses and caresses, he answers that he doesn't give a shit about when it started, that what matters is what they have now.

It's Chuuya who always waits for him in his apartment, he knows when he's about to knock the door, Dazai doesn't know if it is a sixth sense or , if like him, has developed an acute perception of the other that allows him to know his steps, his breathing and even his heartbeat. His house isn't closed for him at that time of night, although they may have argued during the day, something in the mission has gone wrong or he was just mad at him because he was Dazai and he had pissed him, Chuuya always opens the door and lets him pass. He always receives him with kisses, kisses that make Dazai for a few moments forget the agony of his existence.

They love and hate each other at the same time, they kiss at the same time they want the other to die, one without the other would be lost and the other simply tries to seek the meaning of life at his side, they complemented each other in a special way.

Dazai knows that Chuuya trusts him, It isn't that he uses Corruption knowing that he will be there to prevent him from dying, Itit's about the intimacy between them, it's about sleeping stuck to his body, skin against skin. In those moments of peace where they are so vulnerable that one could kill the other but none do it, maybe because deep down that's all they have, what the mafia hasn't taken them away.

 _And I can't sleep_

 _Cause thoughts devour_

 _Thoughts that you consume_

None have ever said anything, neither of them says those two words that some people sometimes say too much, they always say the opposite words and Chuuya sometimes thinks that tehir "I hate you" are the "I love you" from the rest of the world. But Dazai sometimes doesn't understand that, he doesn't think he can love, he doesn't even know why he needs Chuuya in his life, it's a selfish desire to receive and not be able to give.

Could it be that someone is able to love him if he allows himself to be shown as he is? No one can assure him that.

He thinks again about the redhead and this time, feels a slight pang in his heart, Chuuya would feel betrayed if he knew the whole truth, he would tell him how much he hates him and how much he curses the day they met, something that he often says in their missions and although Dazai sometimes thinks he's telling the truth, sometimes between furious kisses and threats he has seen a glitter in his eyes, something that seems to deny what his lips say.

Chuuya doesn't know that this is their last night, that something has happened that has changed everything and Dazai can't tell him about it, he never reveals enough of himself to be known, only one person has been close to knowing who he really is and he's not even there to support him in those moments although if he were there Dazai wouldn't be doing that.

That's why he doesn't sleep, because a part of himself needs to memorize those moments, he knows that tomorrow he will only have the memories when he would be alone and he looks for Chuuya by his side, there will be things that he won't forget, things he have learned by force or things that he has memorized during these nights over the years: The taste of his kisses, the tone of voice he uses whenever he says his name, the feel of his skin, the way his hair falls off while he sleeps, his gentle expression as he does so or his fingers intertwined with his own.

In summary, the kind of things he knows that he is going to need so he doesn't miss him , although he knows that he will have to fight the need to see him again.

But he has made a promise on the deathbed of one of the people who could rival Chuuya aAnd in spite of his defects he considered himself a man of word, he never promised him anything to him, just the present , he never told him that the next day he would go be there watching him sleep or drawing a path on his back with his fingertips. Odasaku's promise weighs on his soul and he knows he has to keep it.

Oh, he knows that all of that puts his life in danger but he has never cared about his live or death , is something that he craves and expects, at least he doesn't expects to suffer in the process, his life has always lacked of meaning and purpose, he has tried to find it in the mafia for years thinking that he was born to kill and now he will start looking for it on the other side, doing exactly the opposite once it passes its period of two years being, basically, a ghost.

And if only he could take Chuuya with him …

But he knows that it can't be, although his partner, his lover, could fit perfectly in another life, in a less violent one where they could enjoy life without thinking about whether the next time he use Corruption could end up dead, or knowing that Chuuya despite being a member of the mafia cares for everyone and each of his subordinates, he knows their names, their families and regrets his deaths as the most, something that Dazai appreciates because he doesn't take his time in learning the name of the fallen, he could if he wanted but he doesn't give so much importance. Chuuya is the kind of person who would help a blind man to cross the street or would carry the bags of a pregnant woman, someone decent actually but loyal, he has honor.

And Dazai knows that he wouldn't leave the mafia or Kouyou-san with what he owes them.

 _Stay with me a little longer_

 _I will wait for you_

And in that silence of that last night,Dazai strokes Chuuya's cheek while he sleeps, a loving gesture that he will take to his grave and from which no one will ever know anything. He wonders if he is dreaming of something good, with a different life and he wishes he had never have to wake up because when he does he will never again be by his side and that would break him.

– From now on you're going to have to hate me, Chuuya – he whispers – this is the best for both, I'll make sure you want to kill me.

Dazai never knows what happens after he leaves Chuuya's place, he never comes to see Chuuya waking up not to find him at his side or anywhere in his home, not does it receive messages and missed calls to his phone that he has already been dropped but he is able to hear as he curses him, how although a part of himself swears that he will kill him when he sees him for having treated him as a toy, another in silence cries and regrets the little time that they have had together, while again he makes another promise.

He will wait for him .

Although the next time they meet will be like as enemies.

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 **This , I think, is my first attempt to do some romance and I hope I got something ...nice, I usually write drama but with the song looped over and over again in my mind and I think I have achieved xD**

 **The song is, by the way: War of Hearts from Ruelle, I think it's one of those songs that reminds me of almost every otps I have.**

 **If there is any mistakes ( there will be pls), sorry and thanks for reading this!**


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